During the weeks surrounding Stephen’s return to his dad’s, life was not defined entirely by what had happened. Around the weekends he spent with his sons, we continued to make plans of our own.
In the middle of September, we made a trip to the Brecon Beacons to climb Pen-y-Fan, one of my favourite places to visit.
It was wonderful to be out in the open air and to get away with Stephen for the first time.
I was surprised by how fit he was, as he had seemed quite sedentary when I first met him. During the hour-long climb, Stephen even smoked. On the one hand, I was irritated by it, but on the other, I was impressed that he could march up such a steep incline, smoking a cigarette, without getting out of breath.
The following weekend, we attended our first gig together: Ben Howard at the Brixton Academy.
Music was another passion we shared, one that would bring us immense joy and create a very special connection between us. I loved how Stephen embraced all the music I introduced him to, while he introduced me to genres I had never considered before.
Stephen had to leave the gig a couple of times for a cigarette. It alarmed me that he seemed unable to sit through anything for more than an hour without needing to go outside for a smoke. It was a habit I desperately wished he would kick, not only for the sake of his own health, but for mine too, because it was very difficult for me not to be tempted to join him sometimes.
The next day, we went to meet my sister and her family.
They were challenging for Stephen because he immediately recognised some of the complicated dynamics within the family, but he was the perfect gentleman throughout.
It reminded me that, despite everything that had happened, Stephen still had so many of the qualities I loved about him.
A few days later, we attended a meal at Stephen’s Rifle Association.
Stephen, like his dad, had been passionate about indoor rifle shooting for years. I had never liked guns or the idea of shooting one, but Stephen’s enthusiasm was infectious, and I began to understand his fascination with target shooting.
I loved Stephen very much, so I was curious about his hobbies and pastimes.
They seemed to make him come alive in a way that everyday life sometimes didn’t.
I recognised how important these interests were to him and the role they played in building his confidence and giving him a sense of enjoyment and purpose. Because of that, I made a concerted effort to take an interest and, where I could, join him in those passions and pursuits.
That was why, in November 2021, we attended our first bushcraft course together.
It lasted three days and nights in the woods, sleeping in a tent and learning how to build a fire, forage, construct shelters and identify plants.
I thoroughly enjoyed it.
It was tough at times, but I have always been incredibly resilient, and I quickly discovered that the simple things in life take on a whole new meaning when you have to work for them.
A meal tastes so much nicer when you’ve been physically active all day.
A fire feels so much more comforting when you’ve collected the wood yourself, set it alight and stoked it to keep warm.
And a hot mug of tea tastes so much better when you’ve waited ten minutes for the water to boil, then sit drinking it around a fire in the company of others as day slowly turns into night.
But even more amazing than how the experience made me feel was seeing the effect it had on Stephen.
This lifestyle, lived in the heart of nature, brought him alive in a way I’d never seen before.
He would wake early so that he could be the first to light the fire. He was calm and happy. He demonstrated skills and knowledge that allowed him to thrive in what was, at times, a difficult environment.
Suddenly, everything about Stephen’s dream of buying woodland and living a simpler, more self-sufficient life made sense.
I began to understand why conventional life sometimes seemed to sit so uncomfortably on him. Jobs, houses, routines and responsibilities could leave him restless or dissatisfied.
Out here, things were different.
There were things to do because they genuinely needed doing.
He felt useful.
He felt capable.
And he seemed completely at peace.
After that experience, I wanted more than ever to help make his dream a reality.
It no longer seemed like some romantic fantasy Stephen had described when we first met. I had seen a glimpse of what that life might actually look like, and I could understand why he wanted it.
I had also proved something to myself.
I could survive in that environment and, more importantly, enjoy it too.
Perhaps this really could be part of the future we had talked about creating together.
As our first Christmas together and the anniversary of meeting approached, another of Stephen’s interests was becoming increasingly woven into our lives.
Art.
It wasn’t new.
Art had continued to be one of Stephen’s growing interests. His relationship with the gallery where he had bought his first pieces had continued, and just before Christmas he was invited to one of their parties.
He asked if I would like to join him.
I said yes and put on my edgiest outfit to fit in with the art crowd.
It was a lovely evening.
We were offered a nice buffet and drinks and had the opportunity to talk to other art collectors.
I loved watching Stephen become excited and animated as he talked about art with other people.
It made me feel proud of him.
He seemed completely in his element.
And at the time, that was all I thought it was.
Another interest.
Another environment in which Stephen seemed to come alive.
December 2021 brought our first Christmas together.
We had a lovely time, and for a couple of days we even had Stephen’s sons with us.
There was something comforting about it.
It felt like a proper family Christmas and, after everything that had happened earlier in the year, I was grateful for the sense of normality.
On the 27th, we went back to the lake where we had first met exactly a year before.
We talked about the year and everything that had happened in such a short space of time.
Despite the difficulties, we both confirmed that we still wanted the same things and were committed to building the future we had been so excited about when we first met.
And, at that point, I believed we were doing it.
To be continued…
